Thursday, January 2, 2014

Aaaagh, and "Elegy for a Star"



     I lost the entirety of today's blog post. I don't have the energy to write it again. I'm sorry. But according to today's intended blog post that no one will ever read, the blog post doesn't matter and as long as you care for someone and make them feel better. It also doesn't matter that you're going to die and the universe will forget you.


    The post sounds like it would've been sappy and unfounded when I summarize it this way, but have faith that I scientifically backed it up and it came from a place of me really not believing it at all, which in a lot of cases means that I have very good evidence indicating its truthfulness. That's a post for another day. Either that or you should all read the parts of "World War Z" that talk about the "tenth man" concept.



So instead, here's an elegy I once wrote for I star that I speculated was probably dying (albeit millions of years ago).






Elegy for a Star


Here I am


Encased in cloth and goose feathers


Braced embryonic against the cold


I slip into my packrat pillow stacks


Tonight.


Tonight, I’m gonna try that “sleep” thing


Oh, to view the daily grind through rested eyes.


Sigh…






And suddenly, a white light


A rift in the vast, patterned cavern of the night.


Shouting


Sucking my droopy eyelids wide open.


It’s not the usual…


The fear of growing old,


the anxiety,


the heavy, racing heart that waits until the


Exact.


Most.


Inappropriate.


Moment.


To say “hey, hey kid”


Hey.


Think of me now.


Think of me now.


And lie awake for hours.


No.


Not tonight.


Tonight is a funeral for a star.






What?


“You’re so tired, Ophelia


This isn’t even real.”


You know what, brain?


Tonight…


Screw you.






So here’s a star.


A very, very bright one.


To your credit, brain, you’re sort of winning again tonight.


You’re here.


And you brought your weapons.


Thanks a lot.


This isn’t just a bright star.


Yes yes.


So you keep telling me.


It’s bright


Because it’s dying.






So it’s 1 a.m. and I’m watching a star die.



Everything else disappears,



And it's just me and the star in the darkness



Its eons of dying breath outshining the rest of this universe



Shrinking


Drifting closer to nonexistence every time I look away



I don't know what a star wants when it's dying


Ah…


What do I do?


No hand to hold.


No eyes to close.


But here I am weeping.


I'll be dead long before it vanishes from my sky


It's only an echo of a long-gone light


A bygone tragedy


But….



My heart aches when I try to rationalize.



I'm sure it would start to feel peaceful after a while.


It’s 1 a.m. and I’m going insane


My pillow nest a makeshift padded room.


This is when death usually becomes a strange and comfortable fever dream


Usually.






But tonight….






Tonight I have to look away.



The vastness of it is so


So


Hard to know.



And It makes me afraid.



I'm tired.

I'll try to sleep.

And I’ll pray that I can be at peace

With the stardust

The soul of my dearly departed

Watching over me

Breathing into the atoms that compose me

Even as I grieve the stars I came from.

Watching my own essence

Explode.

Burn.

Slowly…



This fragment of time

Traveled billions of light years

So I could see it ending

And there's a feeling I get

That I can't grab hold of 

I'm floating in this cosmos


This starry sphere of creation


Founded on improbability


Emptiness


And fullness


Gripping each other for dear life.



And my mind is flying away to my star

Rushing to its side

To press its desperate ear to an endless final heartbeat



Dear dying star



Teach this stardust creature to understand.










So there you have it.






Today's question would have been "what does caring for people really do to us? Weaken us or Strengthen us? Something else?"






Write your answers in the comments.






I leave you with an image of the Aurora Borealis














Go forth and be wonderful.

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